Lessons Learned

As I sit here thinking about the past few months and the prospective few months, I am humbled and blessed at the hand of God in my life. When I was down and out, rebellious and distant, burdened and weary, God was faithful through and through. Never to leave me to my own demise. He was always there, is always here. I don't deserve that amount of grace. I don't deserve that amount of mercy. I suppose thats why it is grace and mercy - unmerttied favor, undeserved.

Why? That is the question on my mind. After all that we do to him, day in and day out, why is he so faithful? Why does he still reach out to us? After everything that we think, say, act and desire that is in direct opposition to everything that he is, feels and thinks. Then the question is how much of that are we supposed to be like? How much of God are we supposed to be like? We are made in his image but are we supposed to transform ourselves into something like him? The answer is YES!! He is the only thing lovely. He is the only thing truly beautiful and pure, honest and just. He is everything that we as a human race are aspire to be on one level or another.

Over the past few months I have asked myself a very difficult question. What do I want? Let me give you a bit of advice.......DON'T EVER ASK YOURSELF THAT QUESTION. You won't ever get anywhere......then again maybe it was just me. To find out what i truly want is impossible. Life is so much easier to just lay down your desires and fulfill His will. Things are truly much more uncomplicated. His will, His desires and His plan is all we have to worry about. Life is good that way.

So the conclusion to the fire that Dad brought me through, the conclusion to all of the questions being asked is this.......Be still and Know that I am God. (Psalms 46:10) The closer that we get to His heart the more compassion, love and understanding we gain. The more beautiful we become. We are made in His image but with the fall of man in the beginning of time we got really dirty and it covered up all of the beauty. As we draw closer to Dad, He begins to wash the dirt and grime and gunge off of us and we become beautiful again. What a glorious process!! To become like Him is such an honor and a priviledge. To get close to Him is so precious, we should take it lightly and yet we do. So the conclusion...............Its all about getting to know Daddy. All of the problems just begin but they are all worked out and are all worth it, because He is so wonderful!

The discovery of God's grace, mercy and wisdom......Again!

Who am I? What am I here for? What was God smoking when he put that matter together and named it Joy? What the purpose of this life? Where is this all headed? Why love? Why put myself on the line for people to kick, stab and beat? Why willingly choose the hell hole of ministry? Why wake up in the morning? Why? Why? Why? These are just a few of the questions that I have asked myself, others and God over the past three months. With these questions came an overwhelming sense of no worth, self pity and the hardest of all, no purpose. I never really obtained any answers from anyone, particularly none that satisfied me.

About a week ago I had a friend come to visit me from Canada. I met him a little over a year ago in Mozambique, Africa. He was someone who I spent a great deal of time with over the course of the three month excursion and had been there for me and with me through one of the hardest attacks in my life up to that point. We cared for each other considerably; after someone made known our obvious affection for each other we 'tucked tail' and ran. Scared of the attachment and scared of the possibility of ruining each others life on any level. He contacted me about a month after arriving back in the states and have remained in contact since. While he was here we had many great conversations, many of which made me begin to asses my thought patterns and reasonings. Being around him and watching his behavior made me look at myself from a different perspective and see the person that I used to be. Being around his passion, hunger and zeal spilled over onto me, a bit like a wild fire blaze. For the first time in a very long time I saw life from the perspective that I used to see them, everything in relation to God and His heart.

One of the conversations we had he brought up a scripture about salvation being enough for us. That if God didn't do another thing for us, didn't answer another prayer, didn't supply another need; salvation should be enough. We should be so overwhelmed at the very offer of the cross. We should gloat in the act of what Jesus did on the cross. Instead we take it for granted and expect more from God. We demand material wealth and pleasures and if we don't get them we are angry at God for not making us comfortable. We expect things to happen the way we envision them and if not we blaspheme God. We behest for signs and confirmations to the very word of God, when the word of God should be enough. Don't get me wrong all of these things are fine in their rightful place, but we can't loose sight of the gift. We can't be ungrateful, angry or blasphemous at the one who chose us first, who gave his very son so that we could love him and he could be near us. We have to continually remind ourselves that it isn't by anything that we have said, thought or done, even in the purist of motives. It is completely, one hundred percent his doing. He knew us before we were even a thought on this earth. He called us from the depths and knew who we were and the things that he was going to walk us through. He chose us first. He WANTED us. If anyone is guilty, I am. If anyone is to blame for any and all of those aforementioned things, I am. The realization and understanding of His love and sacrifice changes things.

All of a sudden the answers to all of the questions being asked are answered. My purpose is to do one thing and one thing only, love. Love the one in front of you. My friend that I told you about earlier reminded me of a dream that I had while in Mozambique.
Walking on the beach late one night, looking out over the ocean and the moon caressing its face. I found a bolder to lie on and gaze into the sky to behold the beauty of the millions of stars Daddy had formed just for me that night. My mind skimming over the day's events, conversations and thoughts. I began to examine in my mind the western church and where we had gone wrong, comparing the differences in the cultures and how it was so easy to receive the gospel in this nation and yet in America we have heard it so often and not seen it displayed that we had become hardened to the religiosity given by the church. Instantaneously my thoughts were interrupted by this picture I was seeing. The sky was no longer black but bright by the sun glowing off of the ocean. I was on the same bolder as earlier only there was a larger one behind me, almost throne looking. God was sitting behind me and I was leaning against his leg. After a few moments of just watching the horizon, Dad said, "My lips are parched. Would you get me some water?" Immediately I said yes and ran to get him some fresh water. I sat back down enjoying my time with him. A few moments later He asked me another question, "I am hungry. Would you get me a melon." Once again I jumped up, telling him that anything he wished I would do, ran and found him some banana's and brought them back. A little while later there was a girl a few hundred feet from where we were. He said, "I want her." Without hesitating I got up and went to her, throwing my arms around her, picking her up to return to the bolder only to find the second larger bolder had disappeared and so had Dad. In a still whisper He said to me, "In the same manner you got the water and fruit for me, bring me my children." I then saw myself loving the people he put in front of me. Encouraging the discouraged. Loving the unlovely. Feeding the hungry. Just after those words the sky was black again with stars and the moon kissing the ocean.

When remembering this dream/vision I realized that this was the one and only thing that I was created for. This was the reason I had to wake up in the morning. This was the purpose that He had formed me for. The people that He would bring in my life from day to day would need to see and experience Daddy's love. The overflowing love that He had so freely bestowed upon me I was to freely give away. I was to bring His kids to Him. My purpose was to pick His kids up and love them and bring them home. That my identity isn't in who people say that I am. It isn't in what people think that I am. My sole identity is in the love of my Father. My worth is in the sacrifice that he made for me to fellowship with Him. And the same amount of love and support that I would invest into a relationship with a man isn't to be squandered away but it is to be put into my relationship with God. Understanding that puts clarity to life, makes things worthy.