The discovery of God's grace, mercy and wisdom......Again!
Who am I? What am I here for? What was God smoking when he put that matter together and named it Joy? What the purpose of this life? Where is this all headed? Why love? Why put myself on the line for people to kick, stab and beat? Why willingly choose the hell hole of ministry? Why wake up in the morning? Why? Why? Why? These are just a few of the questions that I have asked myself, others and God over the past three months. With these questions came an overwhelming sense of no worth, self pity and the hardest of all, no purpose. I never really obtained any answers from anyone, particularly none that satisfied me.
About a week ago I had a friend come to visit me from Canada. I met him a little over a year ago in Mozambique, Africa. He was someone who I spent a great deal of time with over the course of the three month excursion and had been there for me and with me through one of the hardest attacks in my life up to that point. We cared for each other considerably; after someone made known our obvious affection for each other we 'tucked tail' and ran. Scared of the attachment and scared of the possibility of ruining each others life on any level. He contacted me about a month after arriving back in the states and have remained in contact since. While he was here we had many great conversations, many of which made me begin to asses my thought patterns and reasonings. Being around him and watching his behavior made me look at myself from a different perspective and see the person that I used to be. Being around his passion, hunger and zeal spilled over onto me, a bit like a wild fire blaze. For the first time in a very long time I saw life from the perspective that I used to see them, everything in relation to God and His heart.
One of the conversations we had he brought up a scripture about salvation being enough for us. That if God didn't do another thing for us, didn't answer another prayer, didn't supply another need; salvation should be enough. We should be so overwhelmed at the very offer of the cross. We should gloat in the act of what Jesus did on the cross. Instead we take it for granted and expect more from God. We demand material wealth and pleasures and if we don't get them we are angry at God for not making us comfortable. We expect things to happen the way we envision them and if not we blaspheme God. We behest for signs and confirmations to the very word of God, when the word of God should be enough. Don't get me wrong all of these things are fine in their rightful place, but we can't loose sight of the gift. We can't be ungrateful, angry or blasphemous at the one who chose us first, who gave his very son so that we could love him and he could be near us. We have to continually remind ourselves that it isn't by anything that we have said, thought or done, even in the purist of motives. It is completely, one hundred percent his doing. He knew us before we were even a thought on this earth. He called us from the depths and knew who we were and the things that he was going to walk us through. He chose us first. He WANTED us. If anyone is guilty, I am. If anyone is to blame for any and all of those aforementioned things, I am. The realization and understanding of His love and sacrifice changes things.
All of a sudden the answers to all of the questions being asked are answered. My purpose is to do one thing and one thing only, love. Love the one in front of you. My friend that I told you about earlier reminded me of a dream that I had while in Mozambique.
Walking on the beach late one night, looking out over the ocean and the moon caressing its face. I found a bolder to lie on and gaze into the sky to behold the beauty of the millions of stars Daddy had formed just for me that night. My mind skimming over the day's events, conversations and thoughts. I began to examine in my mind the western church and where we had gone wrong, comparing the differences in the cultures and how it was so easy to receive the gospel in this nation and yet in America we have heard it so often and not seen it displayed that we had become hardened to the religiosity given by the church. Instantaneously my thoughts were interrupted by this picture I was seeing. The sky was no longer black but bright by the sun glowing off of the ocean. I was on the same bolder as earlier only there was a larger one behind me, almost throne looking. God was sitting behind me and I was leaning against his leg. After a few moments of just watching the horizon, Dad said, "My lips are parched. Would you get me some water?" Immediately I said yes and ran to get him some fresh water. I sat back down enjoying my time with him. A few moments later He asked me another question, "I am hungry. Would you get me a melon." Once again I jumped up, telling him that anything he wished I would do, ran and found him some banana's and brought them back. A little while later there was a girl a few hundred feet from where we were. He said, "I want her." Without hesitating I got up and went to her, throwing my arms around her, picking her up to return to the bolder only to find the second larger bolder had disappeared and so had Dad. In a still whisper He said to me, "In the same manner you got the water and fruit for me, bring me my children." I then saw myself loving the people he put in front of me. Encouraging the discouraged. Loving the unlovely. Feeding the hungry. Just after those words the sky was black again with stars and the moon kissing the ocean.
When remembering this dream/vision I realized that this was the one and only thing that I was created for. This was the reason I had to wake up in the morning. This was the purpose that He had formed me for. The people that He would bring in my life from day to day would need to see and experience Daddy's love. The overflowing love that He had so freely bestowed upon me I was to freely give away. I was to bring His kids to Him. My purpose was to pick His kids up and love them and bring them home. That my identity isn't in who people say that I am. It isn't in what people think that I am. My sole identity is in the love of my Father. My worth is in the sacrifice that he made for me to fellowship with Him. And the same amount of love and support that I would invest into a relationship with a man isn't to be squandered away but it is to be put into my relationship with God. Understanding that puts clarity to life, makes things worthy.
About a week ago I had a friend come to visit me from Canada. I met him a little over a year ago in Mozambique, Africa. He was someone who I spent a great deal of time with over the course of the three month excursion and had been there for me and with me through one of the hardest attacks in my life up to that point. We cared for each other considerably; after someone made known our obvious affection for each other we 'tucked tail' and ran. Scared of the attachment and scared of the possibility of ruining each others life on any level. He contacted me about a month after arriving back in the states and have remained in contact since. While he was here we had many great conversations, many of which made me begin to asses my thought patterns and reasonings. Being around him and watching his behavior made me look at myself from a different perspective and see the person that I used to be. Being around his passion, hunger and zeal spilled over onto me, a bit like a wild fire blaze. For the first time in a very long time I saw life from the perspective that I used to see them, everything in relation to God and His heart.
One of the conversations we had he brought up a scripture about salvation being enough for us. That if God didn't do another thing for us, didn't answer another prayer, didn't supply another need; salvation should be enough. We should be so overwhelmed at the very offer of the cross. We should gloat in the act of what Jesus did on the cross. Instead we take it for granted and expect more from God. We demand material wealth and pleasures and if we don't get them we are angry at God for not making us comfortable. We expect things to happen the way we envision them and if not we blaspheme God. We behest for signs and confirmations to the very word of God, when the word of God should be enough. Don't get me wrong all of these things are fine in their rightful place, but we can't loose sight of the gift. We can't be ungrateful, angry or blasphemous at the one who chose us first, who gave his very son so that we could love him and he could be near us. We have to continually remind ourselves that it isn't by anything that we have said, thought or done, even in the purist of motives. It is completely, one hundred percent his doing. He knew us before we were even a thought on this earth. He called us from the depths and knew who we were and the things that he was going to walk us through. He chose us first. He WANTED us. If anyone is guilty, I am. If anyone is to blame for any and all of those aforementioned things, I am. The realization and understanding of His love and sacrifice changes things.
All of a sudden the answers to all of the questions being asked are answered. My purpose is to do one thing and one thing only, love. Love the one in front of you. My friend that I told you about earlier reminded me of a dream that I had while in Mozambique.
Walking on the beach late one night, looking out over the ocean and the moon caressing its face. I found a bolder to lie on and gaze into the sky to behold the beauty of the millions of stars Daddy had formed just for me that night. My mind skimming over the day's events, conversations and thoughts. I began to examine in my mind the western church and where we had gone wrong, comparing the differences in the cultures and how it was so easy to receive the gospel in this nation and yet in America we have heard it so often and not seen it displayed that we had become hardened to the religiosity given by the church. Instantaneously my thoughts were interrupted by this picture I was seeing. The sky was no longer black but bright by the sun glowing off of the ocean. I was on the same bolder as earlier only there was a larger one behind me, almost throne looking. God was sitting behind me and I was leaning against his leg. After a few moments of just watching the horizon, Dad said, "My lips are parched. Would you get me some water?" Immediately I said yes and ran to get him some fresh water. I sat back down enjoying my time with him. A few moments later He asked me another question, "I am hungry. Would you get me a melon." Once again I jumped up, telling him that anything he wished I would do, ran and found him some banana's and brought them back. A little while later there was a girl a few hundred feet from where we were. He said, "I want her." Without hesitating I got up and went to her, throwing my arms around her, picking her up to return to the bolder only to find the second larger bolder had disappeared and so had Dad. In a still whisper He said to me, "In the same manner you got the water and fruit for me, bring me my children." I then saw myself loving the people he put in front of me. Encouraging the discouraged. Loving the unlovely. Feeding the hungry. Just after those words the sky was black again with stars and the moon kissing the ocean.
When remembering this dream/vision I realized that this was the one and only thing that I was created for. This was the reason I had to wake up in the morning. This was the purpose that He had formed me for. The people that He would bring in my life from day to day would need to see and experience Daddy's love. The overflowing love that He had so freely bestowed upon me I was to freely give away. I was to bring His kids to Him. My purpose was to pick His kids up and love them and bring them home. That my identity isn't in who people say that I am. It isn't in what people think that I am. My sole identity is in the love of my Father. My worth is in the sacrifice that he made for me to fellowship with Him. And the same amount of love and support that I would invest into a relationship with a man isn't to be squandered away but it is to be put into my relationship with God. Understanding that puts clarity to life, makes things worthy.
posted by Joy at
2:13 AM
1 Comments:
I praise God with all my being that you are backon here! That vision is truly incredible, so much falls into place just reading that! Thats how simple it is isnt it? Its just that simple! hahaha hallelujah. freedom from condemnation! Hahaha. thankyou
and thankyou for your comment. Once again, such spring water, you aer so right. I am not sure yet how to know HIm deeper, but daddy Himself is teaching me and so Iwil just continue to pray.
love you girl. thankyou *hugs* you are a God given blesing. Keep doing what you do because it is incredibly beautiful to watch and makes daddys heart burst with pride :) Love ya xx
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